Forgetting how to talk...

I've always been a really quiet person. When I was a kid, I dreaded being called on in class (even if I knew the answer), or having to say anything surrounded by a group of people I didn't know very well. I prefer to just listen. I can ask a few questions, and most will chatter on and on and on. It's great! They're able to talk, and I'm able to listen! I feel happy as a clam in that situation, but then I start to worry if the other person might feel like they're having a one-way conversation. x_x

My quiet curse was amplified working as an engineer. As much as I wanted to break the socially-awkward stereotypes that plague engineering fields, the office climate only seemed to promote my quiet tendencies on a daily basis. I could go weeks without saying a single word aside from a typical "Good morning!" greeting to anyone in the office. Almost all communication was through email, and most people rarely said a word in the office -- it was so quiet you could literally hear a pin drop. The loudest sound was the sound of people typing and clicking with their computer mouse. The quite office often made employees feel guilty for saying anything aloud that might disrupt the silence -- and any spoken words were usually whispered. I'd hide in my cubical for 11-12 hours each day, typing away behind my keyboard for years, like everyone else did. Occasionally my colleagues and I would go out for lunch, and it always felt like a big relief to FINALLY talk with them.

The office climate started to change when the company started hiring younger employees. People began to speak more, and it was very liberating to finally hear voices. Even still, I noticed my speech deteriorating. I've always had a hard time coming up with the words I need on the spot, but after years of only writing emails for the majority of my communication needs, I legitimately think I started to forget how to talk! Making tutorial videos on YouTube really really helped me speak more, and occasional friend visits and calls to my parents also helped. But I feel forever unable to speak fluently, and it's really frustrating. (But, I became really good with writing emails about project status updates! At least my communication improved in at least one form.)

Fast-forward to now, and my awkward attempts at talking to new music friends and session attendees. I think part of the problem is that many people don't know how to listen, but most of the issue is my lack of coming across as an engaging person. Just the other day I took a leap and tried to hold a conversation. The person I was talking to went on and on about a particular topic, and when I opened my mouth to add to the conversation, they turned their back and started walking away. That felt like a failure. Oh well, better luck next time. At least I tried. Normally I would have just said a nice goodbye and left after they finished talking, but I wanted to try to say something. I think I just need to try again....and again...and again... =)

I guess I need to work on establishing a sense of presence and being more engaging. As an avid listener, sometimes I feel like I blend in with the background like a chameleon too much, and that perhaps people start to forget that I have ideas and things to contribute, too. I'm usually just waiting for people to finish so I don't interrupt them, rather than just "jumping in" with things to say -- but waiting for everyone to finish their thought usually ends up being "too late" for me to add to the conversation.

I think people who listen a lot often have a really big, analyzed picture in their mind of whatever topic is being discussed, and could add a lot of value to conversations. It's just a matter of figuring out the right words to say, and when to say them...That's the hard part -- at least for me. The funny thing is that I usually can't stop talking once I get to know someone better and I feel like they are truly listening! Why can't I be like that all the time? :/

Hopefully I'm not alone with this! I get the feeling that I'm probably in the minority with my quiet ways, but hopefully at least one other person can somewhat relate to this. ^_^